Dear Heart Parents, Let Yourself Be Angry

By Michelle Bowers

Four years later, and I�m still angry. After all these years, I am still mad. Most parents take their babies home � friends and family visit; it�s a joyous occasion. That�s not how I remember May 21, 2014.

I woke up that morning with a healthy baby; I went to bed that night terrified she would turn blue, terrified she wouldn�t wake up. This wasn�t what I had planned.

I was supposed to be enjoying my new little wonder; instead, I was crying. Crying over what had happened, what wouldn�t happen, what could happen, but, most of all, what would happen.

I did not ask to be projected into the world of CHD with no warning, but there I was, learning that small babies have open heart surgery on a daily basis � that not all babies survive, that sometimes their lives would be full of heartache and struggle. The facts, figures and the unknown were absolutely terrifying.

In those moments, I could have never anticipated how angry I would become in the passing years. There are so many wonderful things that have happened because of this diagnosis. I have met amazing people, amazing families. I have had experiences I never would have had if it wasn�t for this diagnosis entering my life.

But still, I am angry. I may never know what it is like to bring home a healthy baby, and if I find out, I�m sure it will be tainted with a bitter sweetness only a heart parent could understand.

A diagnosis affects so much � our children especially � but often skirts over what the diagnosis has taken from us as parents. I know that this happens for a variety of reasons, but when we deny the impact that this has had for us on personal level, and just bury the feelings, we�re doing more harm than good.

It�s no secret that a parent�s mental health suffers when a child faces a life-threatening diagnosis.

I�m angry. I oftentimes don�t let myself feel angry because I simultaneously am so grateful. I know that this diagnosis has taken much more from others. I know that my experience could have been so much worse, but I am still angry and that�s OK.

It�s OK for me to recognize my anger. To feel it. To be sad about the losses I have experienced the last four years.

Let yourself be angry � without guilt, without judgement. Without question, let yourself feel the anger.

For more information on coping with anger, see the Things You May Be Feeling � Anger section of the Mended Little Hearts Guide.